What can you do now to release the need to control your MLCer?

Originally Emailed: May 05, 2022

Attachment is about control.

Detachment returns power to each personal core—you control you by taking back your power and allow others to control themselves by giving back their power.

Maybe you weren’t controlling in your marriage before MLC, or maybe you were. Control is an issue many deal with and is perhaps something to consider for your own self-improvement and development, but right now I’d like to discuss control after Bomb Drop.

First, there’s a loss of control. Suddenly you’ve had the right of choice regarding your marriage unilaterally removed. BAM! You have no say!

Then there’s the loss of self-control you may have and still be experiencing due to the shock. If you’re still in victim-mode, you’re still spinning out of control. Now, for those of you whose Bomb Drop was recent, you may still be in the normal reaction period, it can take awhile to process and get through the initial shock. But many get stuck in victim-mode beyond what is normal for healthy processing. Is that you or will it be you?

But the control I’m really thinking about is the change in how we react and respond to our spouse—how we treat them. Control is rooted in fear. Suddenly you have no trust and obvious reasons to fear.

Are they having an affair?
Are they in-love with that other person?
Are they leaving?
Is your marriage over?
Were you really that horrible a spouse?
Is it all your fault?
Are you ruined for future relationships?

You want answers!
Where are you going?
Where have you been?
Who are you talking to?

Those are perhaps some of the obvious fear and control-based questions. But there are other words and actions that may be more subtle.

Trying to control another is the opposite of acceptance.

Are you trying to convince your MLCer…

that divorce is a bad idea?
the new relationship—the affair—won’t work?
maybe they should see their doctor—they aren’t thinking clearly?
they’re ruining their relationship with the kids?
that shirt doesn’t go with those pants?
they aren’t getting enough Vitamin D or… fill in health and nutrition advice?

Control is a lack of Respect

Respect is a recognition of value. When a person feels controlled, they feel disrespected and when they feel disrespected, they feel they are not valued—they are not important. Disrespect can feel like a lack of skill-based trust—you aren’t skilled or smart enough to do something.

You’re in a double-bind right now because MLCers run from control and the shock and betrayal of this midlife crisis typically ignites fear-based control spouses. But knowledge and acknowledgement is power. Just knowing can help you to recognize or identify where you may be trying to control things outside of your personal sphere. Now that you know, you can take steps to release control. Now that you know, you can actively show your MLCer some acceptance—even when you aren’t really yet at Acceptance, you can fake it ‘til you make it.

Take a risk. Think about what you can do (or stop doing) that feels risky because it’s what your spouse wants.

How about wishing them well when they walk out of the house with all their stuff. No tears, just a smile—yeah, sure a sad one, but still a smile—and a well-wish.

How about telling them you trust their judgment about their needs and choices. AAAARGH! What a lie! I know, I felt that way too. They’re leaving to follow their fantasy of fireworks and forever with an alienator who has 3 failed marriages and a bunch of kids.

Try it, or maybe that’s too much, so think of something you can do that shows a faith in your spouse—you know, that core person that’s somewhere stuck in the Monster.

Maybe you aren’t willing to help them pack up and leave (I wasn’t, he had to do the work himself), but I wasn’t going to prevent his leaving either. That means no beg-n-pleading, crying (in front of them, of course you can cry like a baby in private), whining, screaming, sniffling, blaming for your problems…

How have you been trying to control and thus showing a lack of respect. Yeah, I know they aren’t being respectful or respectable right now, but is treating them like the jerk they are acting going to help your marriage? Think about your actions and in-actions since Bomb Drop and how you can start changing now.

Your spouse’s Midlife Crisis is not your fault; they’re accountable for their actions and their own life. The same is true for you, their stuff, not your accountability; you are accountability for your actions. And sure, many of your actions make sense and they may not be wrong or sinful—your reactions may make sense given the situation, but that doesn’t mean they benefit the situation.

Midlife Crisis gets worse before it gets better. That means your MLCer isn’t going to stop this crisis and come home quickly, quietly, remorsefully… They aren’t trying to make the marriage or situation better! Right now, that’s on you. MLCers are set on destruction and that’s just the way it is—it sucks, I know. That’s why for now, taking the risk to still show respect and faith and release control is up to you.

What can you do? That’s not a rhetorical question. Think of things you can do differently. List them. Consider how to put them into action or how to replace what’s not working with something better.